I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
