I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It was confusing and full of hummus
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We just shotgunned beers for America
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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