how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
