He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
