I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
