The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
