you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
