Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
