I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize