Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Randomize
