I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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