I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
