haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
