I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
