Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
