Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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