My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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