Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
