dude i'm inner monologue high
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
