Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dear god my vagina.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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