I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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