Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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