At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
