Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
