You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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