i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
