Will you blow on my dice?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize