I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
