i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
