Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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