sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
