Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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