Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
