Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So drunk its hurt
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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