Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
