My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
