I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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