I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
