I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
