Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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