I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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