so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
