Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
