I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't deserve a penis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
