Got a toothbrush?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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