I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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