If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
