I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
