i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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