There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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