and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
