I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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