Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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