Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
