i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
