I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
