so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
