so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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