I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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