this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
