I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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