Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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