John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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