my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
