Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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