Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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